Let's Catch Santa
by firerwolf
Summary: Sarge making the rest of red team help him catch the bearded intruder Santa breaking into red base.


Secret Santa Lets Catch Santa

"Donut, that trip wire is much too obvious." Sarge scowled at the pink soldier. "He'll see it as the moment that he reaches for a cookie."

"Sarge, this really doesn't feel right." Donut pouted, looking like an upset ten year old in his pink satin pajamas. His boyish looks and the hot pink Santa hat on his head weren't helping him look more mature. "I don't want to hurt him."

"I'm a bit confused myself, Sarge. Not to question your brilliant plan, but why are we setting up traps for Santa?" Simmons looked up from where he was stringing light on the tree.

"Think about it, Simmons. Santa is a man that's trying to break into our base. Classis B & E, a crime that can be tried in court." Sarge ignored Simmons' attempt to point out it was for a good reason. "Not to mention that blue told me Santa switched sides. Blue suit, blue slay, even made his lead reindeer's nose blue."

"Sarge, just because a blue says it doesn't mean it's true." Simmons sighed, sometimes surprised how gullible the red leader was.

"Yeah, like when Tucker says he's a ladies' man. That guy isn't even cool enough to get with my sister, and she had sex with a hobo." Grif shouted down through the hole in the roof of the base.

"You have a slutty sister? Is she hot?" Simmons asked.

"She's not into kiss ass nerds. You'd stand less of a chance then Tucker." Grif chuckled at his own joke.

Sarge cut into the conversation. "Grif, how's that chimney coming?"

"I'm finished," Grif answered.

"Oh, this I've got to see. He's been up there for fifteen minutes. I'm betting he put a cardboard box around the hole." Simmons was almost giddy with delight.

Sarge and Simmons grabbed their jackets heading to the roof of the base. There they found Grif shivering in the cold wind. Clouds hung overhead, making Blood Gulch the darkest it had been in, well since they'd come to the canyon.

Sarge frowned at what Grif had created. "What in the great name of Herman Caine is this?"

"It's a chimney, what does it look like?" Grif snapped.

"Looks like a line of bricks." Simmons kicked one and it fell through the hole. There was a shriek from Donut below as it hit the ground and scared him. "They aren't even secured in place."

Grif didn't move, glaring at his teammate. "This is all the bricks we have and we don't have anything to keep it in place unless you let me use that crap you call a casserole that you made."

Sarge growled, wishing he had his shotgun in hand. "Go inside and help Simmons make a fire under this poor excuse for a chimney."

"Wait, I have to work with Grif. What did I do to deserve that?" Simmons scowled, not understanding why he was being punished.

"Careful or your lips will freeze to Sarge's ass." Grif grumbled as he made his way down from the roof, Simmons behind him. Sarge took one last look at the pitiful lines of bricks. He sighed and followed his soldiers inside.

The next hour consisted of Grif arguing with Simmons about making the fire while Sage threatened the orange soldiers. Donut spend the time hanging stockings on the wall.

They sat around the fire for hours on watch for Santa. Donut was the first to fall asleep, curling up on the rug like a cat. Grif fell asleep leaning against Simmons. The intelligent soldier had tried to push Grif off but had given up, leaning against Grif and falling asleep. Sarge was trying his hardest to not fall asleep. He sat, shotgun in hand, watching the fire. Eventually he too succumbed to sleep.

~~

"So all I have to do is go inside and put this sack under their tree?" Caboose grinned, looking ridiculous in his blue Santa suit.

"Yeah, that's all you've got to do, Caboose." Church spoke slowly so the rookie could understand. "Now get moving." He pushed Caboose into the hole of red base.

"What did you fill the sack with?" Tucker asked.

"Those weird flammable rocks that we found. The ones that go off like fireworks. I'm hoping Sarge will want to destroy them and end up tossing them in the fire." Church watched as Caboose got to his feet. "Damn, that fall didn't hurt him."

"Dude, I think hitting him with a tank wouldn't hurt him. I think I heard him running into his door for 3 hours yesterday because he forgot to hit the button." Tucker shook his head. "He didn't even look fazed."

Bellow Caboose was sneaking through the base, over to the tree. He's just set the sack down under the decorated tree corpse when Donut stirred.

The young private opened his eyes. They suddenly grew as he spotted Caboose. "Santa?"

Sarge sat bolt upright, raising his shotgun, searching for a target. "Santa? Where?" He spotted Caboose and glared at the blue Santa. "So you are a traitor, wearing that god forsaken blue outfit."

Sarge raced around the fire to reach Caboose. The blue soldier freaked out. They started to run around the fire in the center of the room. "Sarge, don't. It's just Caboose." Donut watched, fearful his Sergeant would hurt his friend.

"Then he's still a blue." Sarge wasn't at all deterred by the Santa's true identity.

Caboose tripped over one of the logs that made up the fire. He hit the ground and set the log flying. The still burning wood hit the tree, easily catching it on fire.

"Oh, Shit. Run before it catches the sack on fire." Church turned and jumped down from the base's roof. Tucker was right behind him.

Caboose scrambled to his feet. "Come on Admiral Buttered Toast." He grabbed Donut's hand, dragging him out of the base. Seeing the blues run the reds decided to evacuate. They'd just gotten outside when the first of the rocks exploded. One by one the rocks burst sending colorful sparks into the sky.

"Oh, pretty." Caboose stared up at the lights, still standing next to Donut. The two of them looked like kids seeing their first firework show.

"Great, now our base is on fire." Simmons looked down at Grif who was clinging to him in fear. "Grif, let go."

The orange soldier released him and stood up straight. "So then, where are we going to stay?" He pretended that nothing had happened.

Caboose put on a puppy dog face and Church sighed. "Donut, Grif, you can stay the night at our base. Simmons, if you promise not to be too much of a kiss ass you can join us."

"Why would I ever want to kiss your ass?" Simmons frowned at the blue leader.

"You want to get your invitation revoked and have to sleep in the cold?" Church stared at him, though he didn't really have a face to give away how serious he was.

"I'll play nice," Simmons relented.

"You all are traitors. Spending the night in that blue death trap." Sarge grumbled to himself.

"Well, I hope you enjoy the ground, Sarge, cause if you try ot come into our base, I'll have Tex kick your ass." If he had a face Church would have been smirking.

"Like that homicidal bitch would listen to you." Sarge crossed his arms, standing tall, trying to be as threatening as he could be.

"Actually something about cold weather seems to make her listen to me more. It's probably because…You know what? You don't need to know that part." Church turned and started to walk to blue base. The others followed, leaving Sarge to stand by the burning red base.

~~

Church put his hand out, watching the snow land on it. Blood Gulch was already covered in a layer of the white powder. As he and Tex didn't need to sleep. They stood on the roof of the base, holding hands as they watched it snow. They were quiet as the watched the place they hated so much slowly get buried in the fluffy frozen water. Church squeezed her hand as she looked to him.

"I'm going to dump snow on Tucker." Church reluctantly released her hand and started to head into the base. Tex just watched him go.

Church had retrived a bucket and was walking past the rec room when he stopped. On the couch both Simmons and Grif were asleep, tangled up together as they tried to share the couch. At the sound of steps Grif had woken up. He was frowning as he looked at Church.

"What's the bucket for?" The lazy soldier partially untangled himself from Simmons.

"I'm going to dump snow on Tucker," Church answered.

Grif paused for a moment then got off of the couch. "I'm in." He stopped as he realized that Simmons still had his arms around his waist. Church watched as Grif struggled. It took a minute but Gif finally got himself free.

The two walked out the main exit and started to walk toward a large area that had heavier layer of snow. Church could feel Tex watching them. He turned to her and raised his hand, waving. She waved back a bit hesitant.

"Wow, she really is more docile." Grif waved to Tex but she just flipped him off. "Guess that gentle nature only extended to you. Why?"

"If you drop it I won't ask why you and Simmons didn't look like that was your first time sleeping on the same space." Church knelt and started to put snow into the bucket. Grif just watched him as the blue soldier worked.

Grif finally broke the silence as he watched Church. "I get why you invited Donut, but why did you invite me and Simmons?"

"You're not a threat," Church answered. "I mean, you've never really been on one side or the other. It's not like you even have the motivation to kill us in our sleep. Not that I care cause Tex and I can't be killed. I only invited Simmons because we all know you two are together. So I was sure that he wouldn't want to ruin the fact that for once he could be around you and didn't have a guy that hated you to kiss up to."

Grif frowned as he watched the blue leader. "Thanks man. I like Simmons not constantly wanting to kill me to make Sarge happy." He scowled as he realized something. "Are you and I like friends?"

Church shrugged as he stood up. "I guess the closest thing to friends in this hell hole." Church started to move back to the base and Grif followed.

They stopped outside of the base where they found Tex making a snowball. "Lead him out this way when he chases you."

Church nodded and the two men moved inside. They snuck into Tuckers room and Church upended the bucket on to of Tucker. The aqua soldier sat up, freaking out. Grif and Church laughed. Tucker got out of bed and the men took off, heading out the door they came in. When they ran through they skidded to a halt behind Tex. Tucker came through the door Tex threw her snowball. It hit him square in the nuts and he fell to the ground.

"Damn, how did you make a snowball hurt that badly?" Grif watched as Tucker rolled around on the ground.

"I put a rock in it." Tex set her hands on her hips, satisfied with what she'd done.

"Ha ha ha." The trio looked over as they heard Sarge. They were surprised when they spotted the red leader dragging something toward the base. "I caught Santa."

They all watched as the old man dragged a soldier wearing gray and yellow armor. "What are you doing here Wash?" Tex laughed as she watched him sit in the snow unhappily.

"I caught this guy with a sack of stuff trying to break into Red base." Sarge stood, proud of his catch.

"He's not Santa, he's a second rate freelancer," Tex informed him.

"Hey, who are you calling second rate?" Wash glared up at Tex.

"What the hell is another freelancer doing here?" Church asked.

"Command ordered me to come here and deliver some lumps of smole. They said you guys were awful this year." Wash struggled against the rope. Now let me go."

Church looked to Tex. "What do you say that we tie him to the weird tree and use him to throw snowballs at?"

Tex crossed her arms. "Now that sounds like a sport that we can all get behind."

"Throwing snowballs at a Santa that we caught Christmas morning." Sarge grinned. "Whoever hits his nuts gets to cut the ham."

"Now if only we had a ham." Tucker grinned as he started to roll a ball. The soldiers all gathered rolling snowballs to throw at Washington.


End file.
